The thing about being 31 is....

I am turning 31. Repeat that a few more times like a mantra.
Still,
Nothing changes after that.

When things come to a standstill.

I have not been able to do anything work related these few days. I'm not in the mood to think about music right now. The only music that gives me some consolation right now is listening to John Coltrane's Love supreme album. Funerals are emotionally manageable up to a point when you see relatives cry. That's when you break down and feel a little empty inside. Then the mind shuts down.

....

My grandma passed away today. That's all I have to say bout that now.

Its all Good.

Things are looking good for me this year and I'm thankful for that. Some updates, new students coming along from the 11 year old who loves the beatles to the 50 plus year old chap who studied classical guitar most of his life and now wants to learn the piano. There's a new cat in the house although me and oaks are not too sure yet cuz he's still on probation. His name, if he's confirmed as part of the family will be Digby chicken Caesar. Go watch The Mitchell and Webb look if you don't already know. I have finally managed to get this little music project of mine going. And I think I've found the right person in Ghaz. My musick for the cat people is still on hold. Not sure why but I know that it feels its not time yet. Johnston did great on drums with Jeremy's Albatross project jam and I'm hoping to see him for more jams and gigs to come. Can't wait for the next sunday jam with the fellas from cp music. My exams are projected to be in April. I'm not exam ready yet but I'm working on something bigger which will encompass that fact, which is to be musically ready to face whatever challenges are ahead. No point passing a Jazz Dip exam, when you can't just jump on stage during a performance and do a totally improvised show. Had a family gathering recently and I'm hoping to post some pix up on fb some my mom can see it.

The Here and Now of things.

I'm at peace with my self.
I don't use wet wipes anymore.
The feeling of stickiness on my hands
don't bother me anymore.(Except when I play the piano)
I look at photos of old girlfriends and old friends and smile.
I'm happy that they are happy.
The thought of my old band
doesn't make me cringe so much anymore.
The feelings of anger turned to indifference and then nothingness.
I'm free from labels which allows me to act creatively whenever I need it.
I'm nobody, not from this religion or that,
not from this school of thought or your organization.
I am part of the whole
that feels more inclined to acceptance and getting on with my life.
Can you imagine a single cell in the body that refuses accept things?
Now imagine billions....That is the state of the world we live in.
I am not a slave to my mind anymore.
I use it when I want.
The mad man talking to himself on the street
and the incessant mental dialogue in your head are one and the same.
I have lost my identity bit by bit
which allows me to create naturally
without thinking maybe "DeL" should do this or that.
I am here, now....And that is all that matters.

Wtf?

This is a true funny story that might brighten up your day. Yesterday, me and oaks went to watch my brother perform at quality hotel.(that's near balestier) In true fashion, I ordered 2 whiskey drys for me and oaks. The waitress, (let's just call her hotpants cuz she was wearing hotpants) looked confused. She came closer to me and she asked, "You want ice with that?". So I said yeah, sure, just get me 2 whiskey drys. Then she says, "Ok, 2 whiskeys with dry ice." Now that got me confused cuz what the fuck right, who the hell orders anything with dry ice so I had to go and order the drinks myself at the bar just to find out that they didn't have any Ginger ale. I ordered the first thing I saw which was on offer.(Very typical of us indians eh) A jug of beer with FREE chicken wings. But WAIT...THAT IS NOT THE PUNCHLINE YET!........................................................................





Feeling alright with myself I proceeded to sit down to enjoy the rest of the performance. Oaky suddenly looks up and waves to some people behind me. I turn around and WHAT THE FUCK!!!! Its my dad, mom and uncle! They just arrived and we walked towards their table to do the usual civilised hello and all that. My dad jokingly asked oaks whether she wanted a red wine and me a drink and I told my dad that I already ordered a beer. He probably thought I was joking, I was thinking of cancelling the drinks, but at that very MOMENT, hotpants brings our jug of beer at our table not too far away Now, in times like these there is really nothing much to say so yeah me and oaks just sat at our table drinking and doing the cordial smiles across the table while Reno sniggers during the whole 2 sets of my parents being there...............
If anything can be more exciting than that please let me know.



Moral of the story, Parents can pop up anywhere!
Plus.... when you're 30, you do whatever you want la....

If you don't look good naked....

...what you wear won't matter. I'm talking bout music performance here. Music in its stripped down form. Bob Dylan, Jewel, Franz Liszt, Jason Mraz, Damien Rice, Alfred Brendel and others are musicians who can just pick up their instrument and perform. No band backing, no band in a box, no distracting synthesizer sounds coming from the keyboard. There's a certain purity when a musician performs solo, or acoustically. Its the soul for all to see. I remember watching damien rice in concert and it was beautiful... even when he forgot his lyrics and the audience started singing along. And if you've heard Keith Jarret's Koln concert, its not an exaggeration to say that the music actually makes you feel like flying. Its so simple and yet, I haven't got the nerve to try it yet.

The older I get the less I know.

The sillier I get. The less I know. I'm weaving and bopping thru this life like a half baked jazz musician at blue note. There is nothing to think about. There is only this note, this walk, this step. Babysteps. There is only this key this stroke this move. I watch the cats as they honour God and life by doing what comes to them naturally without thinking whether this or that is wrong or right. The birds fly and sing and that is all that they know how to do. All that they need to do. This is all that you need to do. Take the next step.

We think too much.

Suspend your thoughts for a moment.





This is about nothing.
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In summary once again.

Summer is more or less over. I have more students to teach now. Yeay....
Mimi came and left. We had a great time and the going away party was a blast. A picture is worth a thousand words.
I have a new iPod classic. 80gb. Rock and Roll. My birthday present came early this year Courtesy of Aunt Carol and Uncle Peter.
I can't sync my music into the iPod. Not so rock and roll. Something is wrong with something so I have to do it the roundabout way. I am such a tech idiot.
Yesterday would have been Bill Evan's 79th birthday. I am now mulling over a 12 page transcription plus improvisation of waltze for debby.
My Jazz dip exam thing has been postponed to April next year. At least now I can book my holiday to Bk in december without any worries.
I'm celebrating no thats not the right word. I'll be in thailand for my birthday. Can someone kittysit my cats?
The Assasination of the Hero DeL Esfandi By the Wanker Dino Lee. I have lost 1ooo in rent money and I'm still a little sore about it. By the way, she works at oomphatico's at Tanglin Mall and her current number is 82646829. I'm sure I'm not the only one she owes on the run.
Xann looks like a british shorthair after grooming. The girls went for thier/their yearly checkup.
My long time booze buddy Darren is getting Married. If they can somehow get a P.A. and some sound system thingys, I'll be the Wedding Pianist.
JEREMY SHARMA'S ALBATROSS IS OUT NOW!!!! HMV!!! BUY IT!!! I PLAY ON IT!!! ROCK AND ROLL!!!!

The best time to quit.

"You can't connect the dots looking forward; you can only connect them looking backward. "
-Steve Jobs.

I'm feeling bloody exasperated today. The kids I was teaching today really drove me up the wall. I am quite patient...I think. Things like these always gets me thinking. Maybe I'm too sensitive. I always feel like I'm a crappy teacher when I feel I don't get across to the kids. Maybe I'm taking it too seriously. Kids( and adults alike) will have their off days right? I don't know. A cigarette and planet telex gets me feeling better. I have some time on my own before I meet up with oaks for dinner. I love moments like these when I can just dream. At borders, I contemplate buying the best of Franz Liszt cd. I browse through some of his transcriptions which are ridiculously hard. I would sure like to pick up any book and play it just like that. Maybe I can compose some jingles? Maybe one day I'll have my own show. Maybe one day I'll teach in Sota. Maybe one day I can be a concert pianist playing my repertoire of bach and liszt.
In this quick info/communications world, maybe kids nowadays won't have the patience to sit and practice the piano for say 20mins a day. Or read. Or learn how to paint, or build something out of lego. These things take time. Learning how to kick a soccer ball takes time; and repetition. Doing something over and over again. Maybe kids nowadays don't get that and the world will be full of people in the future who will want Instant gratification in whatever they do. Why save? Lets get it now and pay by credit and installments. Maybe I"M JUST GENERALIZING. I hope I'm wrong. Back in the old days, the phrase, "sow now and reap later" meant more to people then. If I were to plant lets say an apple tree, I wouldn't expect to reap the fruits of my labour the next day right? It's the same thing with any other skill. You work at it, bit by bit, constantly, and then you see results maybe a few months down the road, or maybe a year or 2 or 3 OR more. I wanna do so many things in my life but I do realize that I have to connect the dots forward without fear. Who knows what's gonna happen tomorrow. The best I can do is to constantly do my best. Today. Not try...but Do. So after I get sick of all the screaming kids, worried that my sightreading will never be good enough, longing for the cat people to be a success, hoping for a job offer at some major institution, I realize that the best time to quit is only after I've succeeded. I'm gonna take it one day at a time....

My thoughts.

Article.22/6/08. page 30.
I can relate to this. Sometimes I think I may be still pretending. Wanting to do this and that instead of directing all my energy into finishing the only work that matters to me. Learning the piano and playing well. I must get back to point zero. All I ever wanted was to play music. and the piano. and learn more stuff. and write my own songs. I feel refreshed again after reading this article. Refreshed like a few days ago when oaks was at her friend's birthday party and I wandered town on my own. Solitude. is good for you. Moments of it. Radiohead is good for you. Watching the last 20 mins of the hydrolunatics at bedok reservoir is good for you. Moscato and the company of friends are good for you.

Preoccupied with Life.

Most times we occupy ourselves with god knows what. We all have jobs to do but I've been particularly a major ass when it comes to meet ups. There are people I would like to see based on the fact that they still care you know? So go ahead DeL... Give them a call.

The scent of things

The last time I popped into the hilton to use the loo, I noticed a nice grand piano and the performance days and times of the musicians. So I made a date with oaks yesterday to go and check out some of their music. It's an open lounge, smack in between the entrance and the buffet area. We ordered some drinks. They gave us some complimentary fried wanton skins with spinach dip. Whatever happened to bloody normal peanuts?

The music made me sick. I think I use my nose too much but it actually smelt like overbearingly sweet perfume. It was a duo, a pianist and a singer. She sang well but she was overshadowed by the floral arrangements of the pianist who was having a field day with modulations and key changes between and DURING songs like it was fucking just invented yesterday and he just discovered it. I was reminded of karaoke joints and bad singers who tweak the key changing knob during the song.

I get so pissed off when I watch insensitive musicians. If you'll take a trip down to crazy elephant at clark quay you'll know what I mean. Musicians wanking off endless solos like it was the best thing in the world and the singer usually does this awkward head nodding body swaying thing like yeah, I'm digging it but hurry up and get over it. Since when did showy technique become the pre requisite for becoming a musician? They stopped listening to each other and that to me is the most important thing in music.

When I was growing up, most of the live music that I was exposed to was my dad's. He'd play in hotels and I'll listen a bit and then run all over the hotel with my step brother. My dad was in this flamenco latin mariachi crew called Los Santos. Actually, he was Los Santos. They were actually very good and very entertaining and I'm comparing that to the state of live music now. If there is one thing that I respect my dad for, it would have been his class and professionalism when he was performing. He always looked liked he owned the stage, and he kept that off set during his hours at work.

That compared to the sinny girl lookalike yesterday with the clothes and the butterfly on her breast trying to browse the papers while she was singing a song.

The truth is...

when you see things for what they are and act accordingly, Life actually becomes easier.

Tell me why I shouldn't hate school.

1995-1998 would probably rank as the no 1 worst time of my life. It's funny how you're at the top of the world one year and the next totally fucks you up. I'm ranting and raving now cuz I just saw some things which pissed me off. I mean, it's a bitch eh, looking at happy photos in school when dogs were living better than me. I had a crap upbringing, my dad was a Loser and an Arse, (still is) the friends I made bloody superficial and the way I see it, yeah we've all grown up and apart. The fact of the matter is, I look at some of these photos and they just make me burn. I'm glad that I can get this out of the way, realize that there were so many arses back then and move on with my life. Fuck school. Don't even remind me.

Even Heroes Need Jobs.

The Avengers are hilarious. I recently borrowed the comic book from the library. Its a black and white one. Sorta like a compilation of a few issues. There's one story in there where the avengers are broke and they all have to find jobs. The Black Panther has to work as a teacher which he is somehow conveniently already qualified for. The rest of the heroes get into the construction/demolition business. Its all because Tony Stark can't pay the $2000 rent on the Avenger's mansion. Someone please help the avengers.

Another great weekend.

GREAT gig. Awesome friends. Excellent Food. Some pretty ok movies. Nice....

Fri: Me and Oaks rent some movies from the video store. V for vendetta, collateral, A scanner darkly, little miss sunshine, knocked up and princess diaries 2. Hey... its not too bad ok? If you want something lighthearted.

Sat: Did my usual teaching at trevose. The night before I planned my whole saturday in advance. I wrote a note in my phone. It went a little something like this,
"Wake up at 7. Feed cats. Stretch. Go thru gig songs. Teaching at 10. Teach Barry Diatonic harmony and chapter 7. Teach Hugo the pink book. Lunch. Mind clearing at 1.30pm. Go thru songs 2.30pm. Pack piano and bathe 3.30pm Meet Jeremy at 5. Gig. Happy days."

It was a bonus to have joyce cook for us that day. The food was great but I was a bit bloated from the beer and spicy curry noodle that I kinda took jeremy's high chair just before the gig. It made me slouch in front of the piano which was cool I guess cuz i play best when I don't have to look at the crowd.

Sun: Usual weekend housework. Library. (I borrowed a comic book. The Avengers) Anchorpoint for some tidbits and cat food. Oaks cooked up some alio olio teochew style with batang fish. Very Nice. Watched a few movies. I slept during A scanner dArkly.

I slept alot on vesak day.
I need to catch up on my own work I think I might be falling behind.

I am unhip Nation.

The weekend was good. I was teaching at trevose then sengkang on saturday. I managed to pop over to toa payoh interchange for lunch in between. I keep telling oaks that we have to move to toa payoh cuz the chicken rice damn nice and cheap. She's not keen on it. I managed to find a few cool cds in the cash converters store for 2 bucks each. Ok, its only cool to me I guess. Mtv alternative nation, (classic) Some franz liszt and neural vibe's mantra.(another classic). I like watching people while I'm drinking my bubble green tea with milk. In the evening, we join dinah and her colleagues for some drinking at barstop. The singer is good. Rest of the band I found stiff. She had feel. Nas came along later after his DnD at hooters quite drunk. They stayed over and its always nice to have them around. Talked till about 3 plus in the morning. NOTE- I have to remind nas to join me at the driving range this coming sunday. And yesterday, I finally finished painting the gate and putting up that plastic mesh which prevents the cats from running out. Xann just discovered a way to climb out. Well, at least it looks pretty. I may have another potential student! Oaks just called to tell me that during one of her colleagues house parties, someone actually remembered me and asked for my contact.
Musick for the cat people has been out on hold for quite some time. It irritates me but somehow I feel that now is not the right time. Maybe I should just tell myself to shut up and finish it already. Ok fark it. I'm gonna get everything done by late june.

The book.

I have just finished reading "on the road". It took me quite a while to finish, 4 months. Another lovely gift from J and J stangee. They have this knack for picking out stuff that we really like. Quite perceptive when you compare it to the fact that given my way, I would have given them this toy gun that blows glowy circular smoke rings or this mini hovercraft disc that you can kick around in the house. Oaky is the practical one. I read the note that he wrote on the book again and it made me think of all the fun times we had while doing and recording the music for the albatross.

A little history just in case my mind goes when I'm older and I'm thinking who the hell are all these people around me and then I can read this again and go ahhhh....good friends.

Ice cold beer 2004 and Nuclear families. For me, that was the beginning of something good. I will always remember the best gift ever from him and that was faith and trust. It was a little something that gave me confidence again. Its funny that after being in a band for so many years I actually knew pretty much shit about music. Yeah, I knew how to drink way loads of beer and that was pretty much all the education that I got from that. Something surfaced in me during that time which had been brewing since I was 10. This persona, this character pretty much took over when I was with the band. It wasn't their fault really. I guess I just had trouble adjusting to certain things and it made it easier knowing that I could just switch off and let someone else take over. The trouble was with me. Its taken me years to understand this and the root of it and now its over.

Today, I'm sitting here at my pc abit, writing abit. I'm gonna go work on my jazz dip in a few moments now. But before that, I just wanna say thank you again. No need to mention names eh? You know who you are.

Best Wishes Man...

Deva Kanniah. D.K. K.D. David Kennedy. The blues daddy from new delhi. We sent him off at the airport last Sunday. Like an Indian Jack Kerouac, he brought only the basic neccesities. His Bass, his laptop and a couple of clothes which I'm pretty darn sure won't last him for three months. He was joking at the airport that to save space for his small travel bag, he had to put his towels in the bass case. Deva was my Bass player way back when I thought that I was Chris Robinson. (He still thinks that Primus is cool... go figure) To cut to the chase, after I left, the band carried on, recorded some new material, got to know some people who knew people and yes... That's why that fella is now travelling to L.A then New York.

When I first heard the news, I thought it was a crazy and dumb idea. But then, look at us. Look at the rest of us. We work like dogs only to barely survive and we're all too scared to dream just because that's the "practical" thing to do. Playing it safe is more dangerous than you think. The truth of the matter is this. That boy will probably go there for 3 months, come back beaten, rejected thousands of times, made to look like a fool, starve a bit and all that but he'll come back alright. And then he'll dive right back in. That is what I respect him for. His guts and resilience. If all else fails, there will still be something there for him and I sure hope he finds it.

After that, me and the rest of the fellas went for a couple of drinks. It was kinda strange cuz there you have Step who's effortlessly juggling a golf game on his psp, talking bout the state of the world, bitching, catching up and most importantly chugging down his guiness. Shawn is still lil bop. Many pints later Me and Oaks left the place feeling Happy and high. I think I might just take up that madman's offer for golf this sunday...

Note to self

Only one. Let it grow. See it for what it is. Sensitive. petty. creative. childlike. emotional. Full of love. But let it grow. Let 2 go. Don't kill it off. Let it go. 2 came about because of a neccessity to adapt, to provide strength, stability, and to protect. now I know that.

The past few weeks....

I've been pretty much doing my own thing. I had a one song performance at temasek secondary bout 2 weeks back. I'm not really comfortable singing and playing the guitar but I think it went great and it counts as performance experience I guess. The kids over at the school were a really cool, supportive bunch. (Reminder. Claim cab fare) That cost me a bomb from dover to that part of the east. $33.90!

My main priority this year is definitely my jazz dip exams. I've been trying my best to wake up early and start working. I try for 6.30am. It's a 50/50 thing. So after following my personal timetable of things to do in what order, I'm usually done bout half past noon.

I have to try and discipline my mind a bit. It floats all over the place when I'm practicing.My fingers may be moving but I'm thinking of other things.

This is rather silly but I'm hooked on my yugi oh game. Its a pc version of some card game but its damn addictive. Its from a cartoon.

I need to get back to work.

The things I feel I can't string into a sentence.

Reminder: Practice methods.

Overcoming difficulties in sightreading/music reading.

1. Take the piece as a rhythm study. With a metronome, (slow tempo) tap out or play a single note. Seperate hands.

2. Pitch study. Metronome again on slow. Play notes at 1 note per beat. Seperate hands again.

3. Put both rhythm and pitch together. Still seperate hands. Still with the metronome.

4. Finally, both hands. take it slow. Don't worry if you fumble. Play it through. Don't stop to fix things. In a real live ensemble, no one's gonna wait for you while you fix stuff. The music plays on.

5. Fix. Go through the difficult passages then practice those. It's better to over practice the difficult passages and under practice the easier ones than vice versa. Too many times, piano players do the opposite and the piece never gets finished.

6. Bringing the piece up to the required tempo.


Sightreading involves the whole mind, eye, finger coordination. Concentration is important.

idea

rented space. 6 at 20 5 to 6 class 6 day pop jazz. syllabus defined. more thought needed.

Progress

We cannot stay at one place for too long.
Comfort kills.
The human mind and spirit Must continually evolve.
Stretch.
Break away the shell that prevents growth.

reference

Sappho (c.610 - c.580 BC) Translated by William Bowles (17th century)
Sapho's Ode out of Longinus.
By the same.
I.
THE Gods are not more blest than he,
Who fixing his glad Eyes on thee,
With thy bright Rays his Senses chears,
And drinks with ever thirsty ears.
The charming Musick of thy Tongue,
Does ever hear, and ever long;
That sees with more than humane Grace,
Sweet smiles adorn thy Angel Face.

II.
But when with kinder beams you shine,
And so appear much more divine,
My feeble sense and dazl'd sight,
No more support the glorious light,
And the fierce Torrent of Delight.
Oh! then I feel my Life decay,
My ravish'd Soul then flies away,
Then Faintness does my Limbs surprize,
And Darkness swims before my Eyes.
III.
Then my Tongue fails, and from my Brow
The liquid drops in silence flow,
Then wand'ring Fires run through my Blood,
And Cold binds up the stupid Flood,
All pale, and breathless then I lye,
I sigh, I tremble, and I dye.

What I did...

Jan 21st - Feb 1st 2008.

Packing, getting a haircut, enjoying the food, playtime in the jungle, friends, jokes, a group hanging around someone's bed just to watch He man and the masters of the universe movie on someone's tiny ipod screen, more food, learning new stuff, finding out new stuff about yourself, smokes, more smoking, strength, funny moments, sleeping, appreciating your bed, shopping at the e-mart, running, falling into holes, Laughter, soccer tournaments, Ippt, This training and that training, pushing yourself, peace, quiet, moments when you cease to worry about the outside world, my mind was still, travelling, moving, no baths for 3 days, sleeping anywhere is fine when you're tired, sharing food, more smokes, painted faces, dirt, mud, the smell of the jungle after it rains, clear blue skies, clouds and thier patterns, surviving, no worries there's always a friend to lend a helping hand, support, talks, lectures, funny motivational speeches, Bathing is the best thing in the world when you haven't in 3 days, lying, resting, sand and water, rats snuggling up to us in the night, the cold, peace, the call to prayer in the morning, the smell of oil and sweat, Hot like an oven, in a tin can, spirit, karaoke night, nice voices, food and beer, our lil road trip, mustafa centre, the best thai mee goreng in little india, kaya toast and tea at 4.30 in the morning, someone's mom cooking at 6 plus in the morning, driving back as fast as we could like the amazing race, breakfast, bathe, hungover, sleep, more talks and prizegiving ceremonies, photo slide show, the last ciggy I had in camp, sad goodbyes, dragging my big bag out in the rain, home.

Maybe...

I read more.
I read 3 to 4 or more books at any given time.
I want to know more, learn more.
Find out whether physics actually proves the immortality of my souL.
What these boys actually do on the road,
who said what to whom on the rolling stones,
The lines on your palms mean what?
And so on and so forth.
I wanna learn more.
I've got hanon, and bach, sightreading and chords and harmony and more chords and progressions that will someday make me play good.
I've got planning and schedules, and who's on at 5 on wednesdays and teaching at trevose on thursdays and more ads.
I need to put out more ads.
I understand abit more, about the little things that lead to the big things like how a simple decision to do something or not to do something in the the current, present moment may affect you down the road.
I like the fact that I can see abit more clearly now and that the choices I make are important.
What leads to hate, fear, anger brings us further away from the light and these are the choices that are presented to us everyday.
I like the way I look now.
Check out my new IC picture.
I see how the people you're with at any given moment,
the chicken rice seller,
the kids at the bus stop,
your friends and your colleagues,
all made a secret pact to meet at this time and place way before you were born,
when you were souls, non-physical beings, when you were smarter and knew that you weren't just put here, thrown into situations at random, but that everyone presents us with a situation and then a choice.
I appreciate my loved ones more.
My girlfriend makes me laugh.
Love.
Light.
Maybe its cuz I'm 30.

Still.

When you hold all judgement, the world suddenly seems still.
Questions are not neccesarily answered, But...
Compassion takes over.
Understanding takes over.
Morality is a human concept.
Karma is impersonal.

The New Year.

I've got nothing much to say except that I'm stressed and anxious over the various possibilities and outcomes of my job. I think that the more I do this the better it'll get. Every new experience breaks me, takes its wild potshots at me, chip away at the stone, earth, and one day it all won't matter when the heart of it all is this.... You need to be cracked open to reveal the real you. I think? I'm no shrink. It's my own truth.
Beyond the elements, to the core.